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Groomsmen Gifts and Felons Under 5

I grew up in a small town where crime was never a major concern. A place where people did not lock their doors. I believed that not only where people good, but babies were even better. Children represent innocence, a raw form of inner truth and justice. Only time will corrupt that innocence and gradually turn that angelic child into a mistrusting adult. It's happening quicker and quicker. Each generation of children advance at a faster pace than their predecessors. The pressure to perform in an ever increasing technological world has given us a new term: "Baby Felons".

Modern day parents can no longer ignore this new phenomenon. In the old days, parents could relax until their children were teenagers before worrying about such things as drinking and driving or worse things like ending up in jail. Today, more children under the age of 6 are committing felonies than any other time in our nation's history.

I'm here to tell you that babies cannot be trusted. Turn your head for one second and they will rob you blind. Although cute for the most part, babies are shifty and calculating. Case in point: I asked the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me on August 10th. Surprisingly, she said yes! I knew who my best man was going to be - my dad, of course. The groomsmen would be my 3 best friends and I was set on getting them all some very nice gifts. I settled on some very expensive personalized solid gold cufflinks and was eager to show them off to my bride-to-be.

Then, the unthinkable happened. I either misplaced that unfortunately small bag of unique groomsmen gifts or they were stolen. I looked everywhere and I mean everywhere! They were gone. I accepted this sad fact and purchased some less expensive gifts for men three days before the wedding.

This mystery was eventually solved when we learned that a child of 4 had stolen the groomsmen gifts and was hiding them for over seven months. Those gold cufflinks sets had a value of over $1396 which makes this a felony. A baby felony, if you will.

Two things ultimately stopped me from prosecuting this sub-juvenile delinquent. Firstly, there are no laws on the books which would effectively put a baby felon behind bars. Secondly, the perpetrator was my fiance's daughter, little Emily. My hands were tied. So, I accepted the situation and now live with my wonderful wife and our baby felon.

Little Emily "claims" that she didn't know that they were expensive groomsmen gifts. She "claims" that she only wanted the little boxes of said groomsmen gifts to put into her doll house. I don't believe her.

Jesse Leonich, Bay Port, Long Island

For entertainment only. No babies were prosecuted or harmed during the writing of this story.




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